A Final New York To Do List

Just came back from a run and I am stinky and sweaty. Why, then, am I sitting here starting to write a post? Not sure. Maybe just to ensure that I come back and finish it.

Work is as stressful as ever. My role continues to be vague and it's frustrating. I really won't write about work here, because you never know who's reading. In fact, I won't write about the kids I work with anymore either. Just not worth it. No one is reading this anyway, so it doesn't really matter, but in case someone who used to read pops on I'm just going to leave it. But let it be said that one of the main things that I'm dealing (battling?) with right now is feeling respected at work. It sucks because when you put so so much of yourself into your job and don't feel the appropriate respect being returned, it is really demoralizing. That is how I've felt: demoralized. Amazing how I've let my dumb-ass job affect my self-esteem.

J and I are going to his friend A's country house in the Poconos this weekend to celebrate his birthday. I'm so excited to get out of the city. I'm actually ALWAYS excited to get out of the city - what does that say about me? J and I have actually been talking about moving lately. I'm done w/ grad school in Dec 2008, so we could move as early as Jan of 2009. I have to say it's SO exciting to think about, but also depressing b/c it's so far away. There's a chance that J may be able to transfer then - possibly to Seattle! I think I would really love Seattle. Of course my family would be mad that I'm not moving home to be closer to them, but I think they would be happy I wasn't in NYC anymore, just b/c it's such a stressful life.

Amusingly, while I was immediately psyched about it, I was also immediately wistful about living here - and I"m still here! I started thinking about the things about New York that I would miss, the things I never did, the things that will change while I'm gone and when I come back I'll feel clueless about... So I have decided I should really dedicate the next year to go places and see the things so that I leave no stone unturned. And my job is the perfect environment to get that done. So instead of thinking of the next year with dread, I'm going to think of it as an adventure.

My next post will be the beginning of my list of things I'm hoping to do/see/try.

Getting over other people, getting on with me.

I'm feeling really angsty and restless tonight. Not the best work day, one of my girls completely stopped speaking to me for four hours, b ecause I wouldn't take her to the Simpson's movie. Arg. Then I came home and it's hot and sweaty-humid and the back yard stinks cuz my neighbor always lets her little dogs out there to pee and poop. When I go back to chill with a beer and magazine, up wafts the stink of stale dog pee. Nice. She is a lovely neighbor and I love her, but damn! Girl can't even chill with a beer. Also, the flies are SO out of control... Horrible.

Well, I come in and read SELF magazine, which is all about living your best life, being fit, healthy and a woman of substance. I actually really like the magazine, to be honest. I'm reading from these nine authors about how they finally stopped caring what others thought and started having self-confidence in themselves. I realize as I'm reading that this is one of my major problems, personally, professionally, spiritually - in every realm, really. I am NOT living my life on my own terms, but on the terms of accumulated expectation, guilt, "should" and "supposed to," of ideals and imaginings, of could bes and would bes and not just on what straight-up ol' me thinks. The person that wanders out into the world every day is some % me, but mostly a % of what the world has to say, or my interpretation of what I should be in the world's eyes, all layered with a healthy dose of feeling like shit about myself for not being good enough at the made-up version of me that I have created. How complicated can that get?

I wonder sometimes if I lived in a research pod - one of those underground experiments where you have no clue what time or day it is, with no clues to the external world at all other than some random supply of food - what would I really be like? Who would I be without the influence of others?

Recently I cut my hair, which was about boob-length, to about neck-length. Roughly 3-4 inches. I thought about what my girls, their families and my co-workers would say, to the point that in advance I was rolling my eyes and coming up with come-backs. I think what is most relevant is that I got it cut anyway, but so much thinking went into it! Now, to my own credit, some of that was self-protective, as inevitably I did hear the comments (from child and adult alike) "Oh, why did you cut your hair?!?!" incredulous that I would ever release a few locks of blond hair from my head. But I did take it in stride and tried to make it a teachable moment about the wide range of beauty that exists in the world, and that long hair is not the only option. However, the point is that I still let these little comments get to me, niggling, wiggling words that make me a bit less secure. A comment from a man on the street can affect my sense of self. A sideways look from a co-worker makes me question if I said something that she didn't like or if my boss thinks I'm inept.

Then when it's time for me to just be me - at home, alone, in my house - I sit and feel frozen. I feel frozen in my insecurities to even proceed and do the things I love. What do I love anymore? What am I even good at? I don't know, really. In my mind, I'm a good writer, but I don't really even believe that. I'm not published and I can't even keep up with a stupid blog like this one. I can't seem to finish my novel, which possibly is a piece of shit that will get rejected anyway. I like to sew and design things, but I never do. I love photography and have an affinity for drawing, but don't really do either too often. I used to consider myself a dancer, and now I just use my body (running, push-ups) to keep it from getting out of shape, not to express myself.

I know that this should result in some kind of epiphany - like in the women's mags the writer always comes up with some great answer, some life change that made her turn things around and start re-shaping her own life. But I'm not sure I know how to do that. I'm not sure what that looks like from here, in my little red office, sitting in a tank top and underwear, sweating in the August humidity, no dinner in sight but another beer sounding real good.... I'm so imperfect, lazy, ambitious, exhausted, distracted and confused - how do I become what I'm supposed to be without using others around me to get there? How do I listen to only myself and then actually...act? How does change really happen?

I don't really have any answers, obviously I'm a 30-year-old mess. I guess what comes next is all on me, and that's what scares me the most.

Fuckwits under scaffolding

So I got a new haircut and only one person told me they liked it. I mean, I know that what's important is that I like it, and secondarily that J likes it, but I saw a whole bunch of people today, all of whom see me regularly, and only one person commented that they liked it. The others just acted like they didn't notice. Which perhaps they didn't, but I think that's a long shot. Plus the second of my girls to see it made the face accompanied by the ever-predictable "Did you cut your hair? (*nose wrinkle) Why did you cut it?" and then I sigh and have to try to explain that long hair is not the only style on earth, just like skinny girls aren't the only people to be considered pretty.

It's funny, in the hood long hair is like THE option - if you have hair that can be long, you do, and there's really no other consideration at all. Why would you cut your hair? Nevermind if you rock a shorter do, you grow and keep it as long as possible. I'm aware of all the societal and cultural implications behind why people of color have so many issues with hair. I get it. I really get it. I get it more than probably 99% of white people. I understand it intellectually, but I wish that it was less ingrained in these girls now that it's 2007. but it's still being perpetuated by the very people that should know better - the mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, cousins and friends of the family that talk about "good" and "bad" hair, etc. Blah blah blah. I'm just annoyed because in truth, I really think it's a cut haircut and that's all that matters, but it sucks that people only see length and not anything else.

Also, coming out of TA's building today, one of the ubiquitous young-man-who-has-no-job-and-leans-on-the-scaffolding hollers to me, "Damn, you got some BIG quadriceps!!!!!"

Sweet. Fuck. You.

And you got some fucking nerve with your no-job ass, probably didn't graduate from high school, dime-bag selling self commenting on my body parts. I wanted to say really mean, personal things to him. I didn't even glance, flinch or acknowledge that I heard him. But I did and it pissed me off. And it hurt my feelings, because of all the body parts I hate the most, and have my entire life, it's my huge ass thighs. So gee thanks, fucking loser man, for pointing them out to me. I look down at them everyday. Maybe next time I'll point out how your belt is around your thighs and your ass is hanging out. But wait- you already knew that.

Today not the best physical self-esteem day. And it was fucking hot as hell. The storm WAS killer this morning as all the subways throughout the city were flooded and there was general chaos in the tri-state area. Came home from work and cleaned the kitchen and back hallway. Re-potted my plants and went through bags of clothes to give away. It was really hot, like dripping sweat all over the place, but it felt good to de-clutter.

Next: How do I create the life I want? I think I know what it is, but how do I get there from here?

Horrible Sleep!

May I just say that this morning I'm feeling almost hungover from lack of sleep? Between a late night talking with about our sex life, and this killer storm this morning I got NO sleep. Ugh. Paperwork due today and it's 82 degrees and 110 degrees with humidity. This is a day where I wish I lived in a comfortable suburban home with air conditioning, where I could just shut the doors, sit inside and watch tv at my cool computer all night long.

This blog is so lame.

Haircut and Coney Island

I got a haircut today. Went to Bumble and Bumble for their FREE hair consultation (they like to hand out ads with cute cartoons of cute-haired people who you can look like.....IN OCTOBER!!!) but the delay in appointments led me to my usual salon on 72nd Street, Scott J Salon, and got a great new cut! Short. Er than before anyway.

What else is new? Well a lot actually. I was actually considering quitting this blog (as if that wasn't obv ious by my utter lack of attention to it). Not that anyone reads it, but a few people used to and now I'm feeling all self-censorious. (?) So.

Yesterday me and J went to Coney Island, which is truly one of the best, most fabulous places in the whole wide world. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. A link to a store where I like to go and buy t-shirts: Lola Staar!!!!!! The best parts:

1.) the randomness of the beach - ganstas w/ their girlfriends, old russian grandmas, young ukraine boys all tall and blonde, hipsters laughing at themselves laughing at everyone, little kids of every variety....and an astonishing lack of TOURISTS!

2.) beach wind

3.) the fake palm tree that sprays water into the air

4.) playing frisbee

5.) Nathan's - corndogs, hotdogs, fries, fish, shrimp, beer, lemonade!!!!

6.) random man-boys walking around with boomboxes playing random music (how many size D batteries does that take? I wanna ask)

7.) Shoot the Freak - need I say more?

8.) trashed women wearing sneakers, a beach towel-skirt and a too-small bikini top telling a man who claims to be Puerto Rican that he needs to shake it...

9.) teenagers spending too much money to win shit for their girlfriends

10.) the machismo of the men punching the bag over and over again (or throwing the ball over and over again) in front of their friends, waiting for the light to land on the studliest picture....

11.) THE CYCLONE!!!!!

12.) THE BREAKDANCE!!!!!

13.) ice cream

14.) funnel cake

15.) photo booths!

16.) barefoot little kids

17.) exhausted camraderie on the train back home to wherever (but you know it's far from here if you're even ON the train...)

18.) the smell of your skin when you get home!

This Post Sucks. (warning)

Feeling low today. And a lot lately. I'm worried I'm slipping a bit. There are days of normalcy, of course, but lately with the job search and the pressure, I'm just feeling shitty about myself. Also, turning 30, haven't published anything, writing seems to be going nowhere...sigh.

Haven't heard from the job I applied to on Monday, though I have no expectations there. Just spoke by phone to another hopeful position at a major nonprofit here in Harlem, one with several sites and lots of jobs, and the Director was like, "yeah, do you have your MSW yet?" I said no, that I had only one year left and needed supervision... she was like "Yeah...see we don't have anyone here to supervise, so that's no really an option..." I tried to get my foot in the door by saying "could I at least come to see you in person?" and she just hemmed and hawed and it was hella awkward. I didn't want to have that conversation over the phone, I wanted to have an actual meeting, whre she could see and speak to me face-to-face, but she just jumped right into the questions by phone (I originally just called to get her correct email address, as the one I had was wrong...) I wanted to say that perhaps someone else in the nonprofit outside of that site could supervise me, but as expected, why would a new employer who doesn't even know me want to go to all that work? They don't even know me, nor have I been hired, and now I'm asking them to go out of their way in all these ways...ugh. It fucking sucks.

I am genuinely trying to be positive, but this situation fucking sucks. I am SO angry at my boss for putting me in this situation it makes me so fucking livid and I feel almost unable to do my job I am so angry. I know I should focus on the kids, but frankly, I'm sick of that. I'm sick of focusing on kids and families I have been busting my ass for for three years, and they do the same shit, make the same pathetic choices and nothing changes. The kids still don't do their homework, still throw tantrums and fits all the time over nothing, still don't get it. Their mothers are still actively trying to get pregnant even though they have no jobs or real futures, still smoke pot ten times a day, still live in filth, still treat their kids like shit...nothing feels any different. So excuse me if I"m not so motivated to go to work. (I know, I know, I just described the entire FIELD of social work - endless work with little change and no pay...)

I just need to vent. I feel so frustrated and trapped right now. I just wish I already had this fucking MSW so that my options would be wider. Instead I have to find someone willing to hire me without one, give me a supervisor and let me leave for school one day a week. And they are willing to pay me, too. Chump change, albeit, I have to get a fucking pay check. someone suggested I go to the program full time, but that would just mean the school places me somewhere, and I "intern" aka: I work for them for free, and I pay the school for the privilege of doing so. Oh, and I take out $30K in loans to live for the year. Um, no thanks. Sounds like hell.

Well, there was my horribly negative rant for the day. It's my birthday weekend and I'm totally NOT excited. I hate turning 30. I hate the idea of it. I hate the reality of it. I hate the state my life is in right now. Several of my close friends are out of town and I'm totally going to miss them at the party. I feel like an ungrateful lump right now, but that's how I feel. I just need to feel good about something, and I just feel all this miserable pressure. I would like to just NOT have to work for about a year. How would that be? Chillin, sleeping in, cooking, reading, writing, getting a tan, traveling...maybe I shoudl play lotto today.

(I did find a job that I think I'd love and be totally qualified for, but there is no one w/ an MSW listed on their staff, and I doubt there is anyone there to supervise me...I''ll obviously apply anyway, but I feel like it's one more disappointment in-waiting.)

This post sucks.

Back for now...

I haven't posted in so long! I don't think I have much of a following though, so I'm not concerned :) I have spent more time at my desk lately, computing for various projects, which means I have NO excuse not to blog! So here I am.

Generally speaking though, my blog needs some serious updating. I have to get the energy to dig into HTML and edit some things. I'll get there. I think a first post in 2.5 months is a good start.

What's new? Well... i have to find a new job, which stinks. It wouldn't stink if it was just that I generally needed a new job, but more specifically I need a job that fits within Hunter's parameters so that I can graduate on time. When I signed up for this program, my boss signed a piece of paper saying the organization would "sponsor" me, so-to-speak, for my two year program. THey have effectively done so for this first year, but are now backing out of doing so for the second year. This sucks because, a)I would have perhaps chosen a different program, and b) they said they would! Also, c) now I have to find a new job that will both hire me, AND supervise me as a student. Also, this means that d) it will be harder for me to find a job, b/c it isn't just "hire me, I'm great," but "hire me, I'm great, here is my list of requirement from Hunter, do you fill them?" Sigh.

I have found two jobs that I am in the process of applying to, and we shall see what occurs. Therer was another entire job fiasco, in which I interviewed three times for a position, then did not get it. AND the worst part is that they WERE going to fulfill Hunter's requirements. Assholes. I don't know, perhaps I fucked it up somehow, I must have. They said it was about their budgets, and to get back to them next year when I have my degree, blah blah blah, but it stung something fierce. Now I'm over it (except sometimes at night, I look at the wall and feel like a loser, but I won't dwell on that image).

Keep moving forward, right? So for now there are two jobs on my radar, neither of which is likely to fulfill the reqs, but both seem like cool positions. I shall attempt to remain up-to-date here. For now I'm just proud of myself for posting again!

Circle of Life

My father passed away on January 16th. He had a heart attack in his bed in his apartment. We didn't find out until Thursday, which means he was there for two days, just lying there.

I am just barely back in New York from Minneapolis for the arrangments and memorial. I don't really even know how to write about this experience. I am not motivated to be part of my life here and after being surrounded so intensely by my family for ten days,in fact, I wonder what I"m doing here at all when they all live there. I'm back here thinking, you know I can help people in MN as much as I can here, and there I have family who love me and want me close. Here I could go weeks without so much as a social date. Sure, there are friends, but not the kind that I talk to daily...

I just have to get back into my groove, I know. My relationship with my father was complicated and difficult, but if anything that makes dealing with this even harder. He was only 57.

Vacation...Oh Where Art Thou?

I am counting down the hourss until I am no longer working....Technically at this point it's about 18 hours....that feels long, but I think I can get there from here.

My cat is locked in the bathroom and whining about it, but he knocked a bunch of shit on my desk down, and that's where I have to send him after such a thing occurs...

I am a little tipsy from a random holiday event I attended this evening - one of J's friend's mom's cookie-decorating party. In this apartment complex on 100th/CPW that I pass ALL the time and have never been in before. It was nice. I got talking to this really interesting woman who is a Unitarian Universalist minister who used to live on my block in the early 90s! We got to chatting about Harlem and it's bid'ness....she was very interesting. then i came home w/ a bag full of cookies I likely won't eat and a wine/cheese buzz. J is at his work party this eve.

I'm listening to Gladys Knight - she's also a Mo! - I met her this summer at a concert at the church. She was SO down to earth and kind and interesting. My mom (of course) sent me her two recent cds in the mail. They are really good. She iss amazing. I just wish I felt more comfortable being a Mo. I just don't. But anyway...I'm off to bed with my book....

I will blog from vacation on the East coast...

Pirate Wedding

The wedding went well. I wore a standard black dress, that is made out of jersey and holds me in nowhere, which means that I have to suck in all my parts all night long. I refused to wear tights or nylons because I think they are innately disgusting...so I was bare-legged. It was about 5 degrees in Milwaukee this weekend, and I realized that NYC has totally babyfied me, weather-wise. What the hell? I grew up in this kind of weather and I was a crying baby about it. Shit.

The rabbi was weird and tried to make odd jokes throughout the entire wedding, which made me cringe a lot, but everyone seemd happy and not at all scandalized so goody goody.

There was drama on the flight in, in which American basically fucked up all day long and first cancelled our flight, then delayed the flight we were put on twice. When we finally landed, we had exactly ten minutes to get our asses to the connection in Chicago to Milwaukee, and the American flight attendant/counter guy REFUSES TO CALL THEM AT THE GATE. I beg him, as I can see fumes coming out of J's orifices, and he cuts me off by sort of pinching his fingers togethger in the air like he's literally cutting me off. WHAT THE FUCK? I almost punched him. Instead I asked for his supervisor. Some time later I was able to finagle (is that a word) a rental car to Milwaukee, as their options would have gotten us there too late. So it was an adventure, however one in which I ultimately came out feeling like the negotiating champion of the world. Not like it was North Korea or Iran or anything, but we didn't have to pay for it and there was an apology in it from the sup too!~

Now, here's the weird part of the weekend...I woke up early on Sunday morning 5am-ish, with searing pain in my left eye. Then again at 8am and couldn't go back to sleep b/c of it. Basically felt like a small piece of glass was attached to the underside of my eyelid and scratching my eyeball every time I blinked. Or didn't blink. I was a wreck the entire day throughout the many airport/transportation systems. Finally I asked J's mom waht to do (she's a nurse) and I ended up sleeping with an eye patch on! J called me his Pirate Bride...awwww.... (see photo) Today feels a little better but not totally.

Also, men were looking at me on the way there (sans eye drama). It was weird. They were like, middle-aged white businessmen. Totally the demographic that I feel is the least interested in looking at me, traditionally. It was really odd. And although J was there, it didn't seem to matter.